When It Rains It Pours

But after it rains the sky looked like this. A great NYC sunset can only be expressed with an exhale. A great NYC sunset gives way to everything just working out. It just can’t rain forever.

I Love You

“We are shaped and fashioned by what we love” Goethe

On January 6th, 2012 the strongest woman I know left this world. There isn’t a memory of my life that she wasn’t apart of. She helped raised all of her grandchildren. She used to comb my hair, walk me to school, take me to the market, make me anything I wanted to eat. The list goes on. My life in Trinidad is filled with her. She came to New York and I had the opportunity to take care of her. Nurse her thru open heart surgeries and blood infections. I gave her a part of me as she did for me when I was younger. My mama gave everything for her family.

I admire this woman more than anything I can write on this page or share with the world. Mama taught me more than I could of ever taught her. She struggled all of her life when her mother died young, step mother decided to not send her to school, she married young and lived thru the typical abuse of an arranged marriage. Husband died in 1979. All these years she asked why Mr. D left her to struggle. I say it’s because he knew she was strong enough to live without him. She was strong enough to see us all grow up and to give us an unspoken love. She rarely said I love you but I never once felt it wasn’t there. I never knew my grandfathers. They all passed before I was born but I knew this woman. And for that I am grateful the world let me have her in my life. She will continue to shape my life and if I am so grateful to have children one day I could only hope I can do for them what she has done for me.

Mama gave her life for her family. She slaved and worked and did the best she could. Uneducated, could hardly read and write but managed to keep a household together. The love I have for her will be timeless and endless but will never amount to what she gave to me. I will carry her in my soul and forever in my heart.

While I sit on this plane, traveling back to Trinidad, 9 days, after I watched over her funeral and it still hasn’t sunk in yet. She’s gone. She’s my connection to Trinidad, to South, to Timital, Penal, and to a history only she held. I will miss her.

As I remember her – strong, willful, unapologetic and most of giving.

A Small Slice from the 2011 Pie

Catch 22

Everyone is allowed an out of character moment right? But what happens when the out of character moves more into your character. Problem – Solution? Still trying to figure it out.

While I like to think I’m a responsible adult and I have life figured out but as the days pass and as I get older I’m beginning to realize I don’t have it all figured out.

Every now and again – I just want to scream “What’s wrong with me.” Not a question but more so a realization that something is wrong. Wrong might be slightly harsh but it stirs the waters that runs deep while the surface remains unmoved.

So the more I try to figure out the “plan” the more I move further and further away from myself. But then again who am I really? Sort of a catch 22.

Trying to move forward while keeping the sense of your past self. Tricky! Someone always gets hurt. At this point, I feel bad for the old me. The experienced, independent, always rational, well put together, responsible, the voice of reason and the highly calculated me.

Shape shifting to the inexperienced, irrational, irresponsible, spontaneous, and rebellious side.

Seems like I’m moving to what everyone else is trying to move away from.

The lie

Some may say I have a reason, justification, excuse for things I do. My response is yes. Why wouldn’t I? Everyone has a reason for their actions. It’s your choice to share them and be honest or lie. I’ve noticed more and more that things aren’t always what they seem.

I’m a good listener. Some may say too good with a memory that could tell you what T-shirt you worn on a date. It’s not perfect but it’s selective. So I listen to people and believe what they say to be true. But people lie. I have the general faith that honesty is the best policy. But overall I learned people just want to be lied to which is why they choose to lie.

I listened and agreed with you. I reassured you that this is ok, I was fine and I’m going on the understanding that after months of the same discussion we were on even footing. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have been listening to what you’ve been saying to me all along. I should have been listening to the subtext. I needed to read your mind. Unfortunately, my magic 8 ball was broken.

So it’s not a believe me when I say “I don’t want a relationship and I don’t want anyone to get hurt” but let’s say we’re a couple. To me that line translates to I’m single. I’m not in a relationship because you dont want one. In all truth ad honest – I have no idea what I wanted but I was willing to take the chance to find out. But all along the conversation was “I don’t want a relationship” I don’t understand how that can be confused and if I just missed out on the writing between the lines. I didn’t think there was any. Oh boy, was I wrong….

Now my understanding is after months of being in a relationship – I’m now single. Funny how things work out or don’t.

To Love….

While I love you. I don’t know if I can live with you. Are you great for right now or is this something long term? Is the idea of you better than you? But don’t ask the questions in fear of the answers. Just ask for enough to get by! Ask only the questions which yields the right answers. It’s only way to live. Shield yourself from the rage the runs wild in your head.

While the head is rational the heart screams to live and beat vibrantly.

The heart wants the truth. The love and lost. The pain and sorrow. The forever or never. The heart wants to discontinue with the head leading it down the rational path. The heart is waiting in the wings for the answers. The heart is on a deadline to broken and true. Ready to start anew.

Is there anything more confused. How do we find a way back to “normal”? I’m blind.

Please forget the past. I wish you well and help you on your way.
Cheers to knowing lost while always looking to embrace love.

Lollapalooza – Chicago

Lollapoolza – What an experience. Definitely amazing and something I would do with my kids. My parents wouldn’t ever think of it. It was great seeing parents with their children sharing the experience of bands.

Now, let’s get back to the real experience. Lollapalooza is a three day music festival which takes over Chicago’s Grant Park. The sounds of bands and people buzzing about seep out onto Lake Shore Drive and probably across Lake Michigan.

I’ve never been to a music festival before but with growing hype of Bonnaroo and Coachella it was something I put on my radar. While I not one for camping Lollapalooza seemed the best and most obvious choice. Chicago, Grant Park, Hotel.

Day 1 – arrived at 1 pm. First orders of business – get Id’ed and get a wristband. Start drinking. With a budget of $100 a day for food and drinks I thought I was well on my way to a good time. Kicked off at the Budlight stage then moved south to Perry’s and Sony.

Day 2 – it was a slower start to the day. We’re definitely cruising thru stages. We started off a PlayStation to catch Skylar Grey then over to Budlight which finding ourselves back at Perry’s. Which is rocking out at 4 PM. It might seem like a long day but by the time you see two bands it’s already 4! Perry’s is setup as an airplane hanger. The lights and experience takes you to another level. Mostly electronic techno beats pulls you in from the moment you enter. Once the bass hits you, consider yourself a goner. I’m sure many people stayed at Perry’s for three days. After we raged at Perry’s, break, then moved over to get a great spot for Eminem. With a full sport bottle of wine for the wait it seemed short. Eminem took the stage and went to work. Since we were on a schedule we stayed for 45 minutes and went to see Pretty Lights back at Perry’s. Of course, after polishing off my sport bottle I called them Pretty Little Lights. Don’t ask! Perry’s in full swing we hit the ground and turned up the party. It was pure madness once Pretty Lights set was complete. People just poured out into the streets. Perfect way to cap off Saturday.

Day 3 – Sunday was an even slower day. We’re definitely not as young as we used to be. And my body is fighting back; HARD. Sunday kicked off with Friendly Fires at Budlight and City and Colour for some Canadian tunes. It was amazingly hot Sunday morning but around 4 the sky opened up and it rained for about 90 minutes. I took shelter at a picnic table and attempted to wait out the rain. After that, everything was destroyed. Budlight was swimming pool of mud. Enjoyed Damion Marley and Nas then headed south for Foo Fighters. We found ourselves as closest to the stage on the hill as we can get. 20 minutes into their set the sky opened up once again and poured. There was no hiding. Rain drops were falling so hard it hurt. What an experience. Nothing like watching a band rock out in the rain and have their fans stick with them. I ran to find cover. No luck. 45 minutes to Foo Fights we left to end Lollapalooza with Kid Cudi. Three friends left standing, Budlight limes in hand and soaked to the core. Chicago it’s a wrap!

Dog Days of Summer

It’s only fitting to post my August blog in the middle of October… But better late than never………

 

Let’s talk about the dog days of summer. August kicked off with a bang. Overflowing with parties and events.

First things first – Lollapalooza! Three days of musical bliss right in the middle of Grant Park. Prefect summer event. I got to experience Chicago and have a blast. Spent quality time with friends and just absorbed what the city had to offer. Lolla provided fun for all ages and made me wonder what I was doing at 15. I wasn’t watching Eminem with 90,000 other people. It was great seeing parents with their children sharing an experience.

 

Please see Lolla Post!

 
Once back in NYC, I found it difficult to take any time off. Work was amazingly busy for summertime and it was just events, events. Late days combined with long nights, napping instead of sleeping; making caffeine a staple for my morning routine.

August 13th took us to Governor’s Island for Bassnecture. We were very surprised while waiting on line for the ferry. Definitely, nothing like what we expected. We thought it was just another concert on the Island. We walked into a rave at its peak. E and I dressed in our casual day to night outfits while everyone else went with hot pinks, neon greens. I’ve been around and I never experienced a setting with so many kids and drugs. Guess it proves you can have a sheltered upbringing in NYC. While waiting for Lupe to arrive (yes we’re fans) we made a friend who needed a blanket to fully experience his trip. MJB made us smile. Just because…..

Lupe hit the stage and our party started. It turned into a great show plus everyone was very friendly. Random people said hi and we had nice conversations but we haven’t met anyone from NYC.  Tons of people from PA or VT. All in all, it was a unexpected experience, we’ll have stories for days and we accomplished our goal of seeing Lupe.

Beyonce………….
After passing on tickets to see her at Roseland the first time we reconsidered and found some on StubHub. $10 more than face value so it wasn’t too bad. Ticket had start time at 8pm. Show began at 10. Not so excited by the time that all happened. It was definitely a great experience. It was a small venue with fans piled in; some waiting outside since 8am. I’m a fan but I have work. C’mon now. Beyonce took the stage and she glowed. We now know she was pregnant. That definitely did not stop her from giving her best. Her voice was perfection. On par with the CD quality. She did her entire album “4″ and I’m more of a fan now than ever before.

The weekend returned and we returned to Governors Island, not for a rave, but a roaring 20′s jazz party. Everyone was so well dressed in costumes. Gave us a nice relaxing time on the lawn with a few St. Germaine cocktails and beautiful people.

Last two weeks of August I wanted some kind of normalcy. Of course that didn’t happen. It was filled with an earthquakes and Hurricane Irene. I gave myself one week night off and that wasn’t really off. If I wasn’t at the gym, dinners with friends and of course family then I was at work. August was a month for the record books. I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

 

Let’s Call It’s a Sabbatical

I definitely took some time off from writing. Things happened… falling in – out – in love and then out again of love. All while being separated. Imagine that. Amazing at points, but not so much anymore.

As I sit at my kitchen table de-toxing from a very stressing, long winded work day. Meetings + Long hours = very tired me. I’m procrastinating from doing what I need to do and find some type of late night motivation. I got to thinking how writing always gave me a space to create, to be free, to find meaning in this world. To dispel the rumors, insecurities and find openness and freedom. Writing saves my sanity. So what’s a better way to go kick off the dog days of Summer with a quick rundown from the past six months. Can’t think of a better way that to use photos. Is a photo really worth a thousand words?

Adele – ’21′

ADELE – SOMEONE LIKE YOU (Live @ Largo)\”

 

“I heard that you’re settled down, That you found a girl and you’re married now, I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light,”

 

 

There is nothing better than Adele’s new album - “21″ on a cold, rainy, windy, and gloomy NYC Friday. Her voice leaps out of the speakers and grabs you with a bear hug. That’s the best way I can describe her sound. I’ve been a fan of Adele’s since “Chasing Pavements.” Her unique sound reminds me of the good old days before computerized music beats and fancy  music videos. She brings me back to Nora Jones “Come Away With Me” album.  Music at it simplest yet over flowing with richness. Full of body and depth but just backed by a piano. Nothing over the top but the words that move you and the melody that sings to your heart. Adele brings an openness and hurt from her to heart to her voice which travels to your ears. “21″ is filled with conflicting emotions and a roller coaster of ballads.